The Hinge Funnel

In my earlier dating years, I had a serendipitous approach to dating. I thought you go on dates with people to learn what you like and what you don't like, and then you find someone who has enough of what you like and not too much of what you don't like. This philosophy lasted a few years. I realized it wasn't all that hard to know what I wanted and didn't want; the challenge was finding someone who matched the criteria. 

Then I went through a phase where I just thought it was a numbers game, but it didn't last super long. Actually, I think I said "I'm doing it for the numbers" fairly recently. 😬

Over time, I've started to refer to dating as a lot of "sifting." Today, I had an "aha" moment when I realized it's actually a funnel. Let me explain. 

In a marketing funnel, you start with generating leads, or people who may be interested in your brand. Then you try to get them interested in your product (through newsletters, free tools, podcasts, etc). Once there's enough interest, you give them an opportunity to purchase the product. Then it's just a game of getting them to seize the opportunity. You see where I'm going with this. 

I'm sure there a multiple different types of funnels that apply to dating, but today we are focusing on the first date stage. We meet people. Maybe it's in person. It's most likely on apps. Then we have time to communicate and see if there's enough interest. Eventually, the opportunity arises to hang out, and — if both parties agree — a date is set. Some people fly through the funnel (those are the guys who ask you out while you're on a run). Some people seem to really linger in the interest stage, probably hoping that you will create the opportunity so that they can take the action. I suppose the complexity is that both people have funnels and both people are being sifted through funnels, but we don't need to dive into that. 

Different marketers have different ideas about which stage of the marketing funnel is most important. Some opt to get more people in the lead generation stage, some to get higher quality in the lead generation stage, and others focus on other stages. So you may try to meet more people. You may try to meet higher-quality people. You may try to be better at creating opportunities for dates. If you're finding yourself in lots of situations where the opportunities are presented but the action isn't taken, your problem is likely earlier in the funnel. 

ANYWAY. A roommate's recent experience almost identically mirrors experiences I've had a time or two. This caused me to recognize a slightly different funnel — the Hinge funnel. 

As a Mormon girl dating in a non-Mormon world, there are three topics that tend to funnel out potentials for first dates. They are alcohol, religion, and sex. 

It's an imperfect funnel though, and you will see why. Almost everyone I go out with from Hinge knows that I don't drink. Funnily enough, it's not because it says that on my profile. (It's a small icon — much smaller than any of the pictures – and I have only encountered one man that actually noticed from the profile that I don't drink). Most guys know because that is what they ask me to do on the first date. I see it as an opportunity to sift, so I let them know that I do not drink. Right there, we get a narrowing in the pond. Lots of guys don't even respond when I say that. (By the way, I always say it in a cute way and with some phrase like "definitely down to do something else!") Okay, so if the young man makes it through this round there are two ways it can go. 

1) He says "cool, I respect that" or "no problem" and then suggests a different date option (it's almost always coffee but we let that one slide). We usually go out. 

2) He asks why. 

I have never gone out with a man that chose option number 2. 

I don't drink for personal and religious reasons. That's the honest answer. So that begs the follow-up, "What is your religion?"

"I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." (to the Hinge guys' credit, they've always either known or done the quick Google search to know this means I'm Mormon)

Okay, so this is ANOTHER area of the funnel. It's not common, most people ask a few more questions, but I have had two guys just leave then and there when I said the church name. 

Usually though, this question is shortly followed by some question about my sex life. Mind you, this is BEFORE the first date. 

And then you know he's a goner. 

My favorite part of this is the way they try to make it seem like it's something other than the sex, or that it isn't exclusively sex. One text read, "I don't think there would be compatibility such as no sex before marriage etc. etc." He couldn't come up with anything else so he just put etc twice. 

I thought I'd offer a visualization. 

So another problem with the funnel is that I've never had a guy make it through all three rounds and end up on a date. The way to win the funnel is to actually leave it after the alcohol topic and end up on a date. The equivalent of making a purchase as soon as you show interest in a brand (I mean we've all done it). 

Sometimes I'm grateful for the funnel and other times I am baffled that this conversation is taking place before a first date. There is something to gain from this. If you are a woman in the dating sphere — Mormon or not — and you want to test whether or not a guy just wants to sleep with you: try telling him you're Mormon. Alternatively, you can try it if you just want a guy to stop bothering you. This little trick tends to make them disappear.