It isn't going to matter
February 2020 is a time I often look back at as "my prime." It was so full of hope and promise. I was graduating with a degree that I worked super hard for. I loved my classes. I'd just played my dream role on stage and was competing in a regional competition in CA due to a nomination from that role.
Also I went to Disneyland! I mean does it get better?
Sometimes I see pictures of myself from that time and think "ah, my prime." Then I laughingly remember one of the lowest-of-the-low moments from that same month.
Part of graduating with a BFA in Acting at BYU meant that you had the opportunity to participate in something called the "NY Showcase." It was basically a show that was put together in UT and then taken to NYC, so that graduates had an opportunity to perform for casting directors and agents. It happens every year, and the show always performs previews in UT. So every year of my undergrad, I would go to the graduates' show and dream about the day when I would do showcase.
Rehearsals for this were rough. I often felt like I was the weakest performer in the bunch, and after one particular preview for a casting director that came to UT, I felt completely depleted and discouraged. Feedback pointed towards me needing to select a new song (again), and the class (trying to be helpful) all started to pitch in ideas for what I could sing. It felt like everyone was pitifully trying to find something I could do that would make me remotely appealing to the industry. I took deep breaths and used my game face, and then as soon as we were released, I booked it to the practice rooms. These were a few buildings away and required running up four flights of indoor stairs, which I took two at a time with tears streaming down my face. The sobs were audible, and I was over it. Also, the stairs happened to be in the business school.
I don't remember at what point in the day this thought came, but I remember the thought very clearly — none of this is going to matter. I brushed it off thinking "yeah, because I'm not going to get an agent from showcase anyway, so why even bother."
Nope.
None of it mattered, because a global pandemic hit the world about three weeks later, everything shut down, and that showcase never happened.
I still will sometimes get sad about the fact that I never got to do my dream showcase. Or that I didn't get a graduation. Or that I didn't go to prom (unrelated, but also very related?)
Yet that thought haunts me sometimes. This isn't going to matter.
I wonder how many times I stress and obsess over things that really will not matter in the grand scheme. But how is one to know? Will this weekend trip matter? Does my detour home from work matter? If invite that guy to a movie — will that matter?
There are some things that will always matter. What I think, how I treat people, who I live with, etc. Other things feel more variable. They may or may not; it depends on how it goes.
I wish I could go back and tell my February self, just soak up every ounce of performing you get. You're going to have long droughts of not performing in which you would kill to be back in a rehearsal room with people who you think are all better than you, giving your best to your 6th choice at an audition song. Also, quit worrying about how you stack up — it doesn't matter.
What would two-years-from-now Rebecca say to me? I've tried to make a list of things she would say don't matter, but I sincerely think everything I stress about is valid and important! Ahh, it's entertaining. It is. I probably take it all too seriously.
I'm confident that she will not say "Don't worry, everything will work out." She will not say that, because she will know how very over that terminology I am.
Looking back to two years ago, everything did not work out. Everything got cancelled. That's decidedly different. And the pandemic profoundly affected my first year in NY.
If I'm pulling themes here, it would be to lean into things you love about your life right now, and spend less time stressing about the things that aren't yet where you want them to be. So in the spirit of leaning into the good, here are some things I'm currently loving:
- Weekday dinners with friends
- Spontaneous weekend trips
- Planning international trips
- Reading my favorite newsletter
- Swapping dating stories
- Looking out my window at work and seeing the city
- My afternoon work-break walks through midtown east
- Playing my four favorite songs on the guitar when I have down time
- Running at Riverside
- Every shopping trip at Whole Foods
- Surprise Facetime calls
- Walking home from church
- The ability to endlessly roam in this city
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