In Defense of Rewarding Competency

 

This is exactly the type of content that used to drive me CRAZY. It is not hard to pause (or stop or ignore or whatever) a video game to respond to a text. It's a pretty easy thing to do. I don't think it qualifies someone for marriage. 

 This sentiment occurs often in girl talk. I've heard girls sings the praises of a guy for: 

- Remembering a birthday (when the girl told him the date less than 7 days prior to its occurrence)

- Being on time to a date

- Remembering any detail that they easily could find from scrolling up in texts

- Not ghosting (I've praised for this one. I actually still sing that guy's praises) 

- Texting back (If you don't know the nuance between this bullet point and the bullet point above, you have not dated in the last 10 years)

- Picking a restaurant 

- Asking for consent 

- Offering to pay

Now, these are all nice things, and I appreciate them. But don't they all fall along the lines of . . . competency? Isn't it just competent for a person to remember details that you just told them or to respond to you when you are communicating with them? 

I worked as an office secretary in college, and the department loved me. I had a conversation with a friend in a similar role once and we both found it interesting that we were so beloved for simply being competent. I just listened. I made sure I understood what was needed and then I did it. That's it. But it was apparently a little hard to find, so I was an "angel" for just being straight-up competent. 

So as I enter my eighth year of actively dating, I've changed my tune. I am actually going to defend this "rewarding of competency." It turns out that it's actually quite hard to find. If someone can listen to me. Actually listen. That's a win! I'm impressed. That's very hard to do! And to find.

But my argument is not based on the idea that the bar is lower than I thought it would be. (I can see how you would think that based on what I said, but that is not my premise here.) MY premise is that the basic competencies are the very things that make life magical. 

Listening is a big deal. When a friend is presently listening to me, that's just WOW, it just makes me feel so good. I have a friend that will regularly put reminders in her phone around whatever I have going on, just so she can text me. Things like "have fun on your date tonight!" or "how did that call you were worried about go?"etc. etc. It's really very sweet. While some might say, it's "not hard" to put a reminder in your phone and follow up, it's not really about how "hard" the task is. It's about thoughtfulness, intent, and follow-through. 

And the little things in life are my favorite part. So when I guy remembers that I have something big at work going on that day—even if I told him via text—that's actually really sweet. When he opens the door for me, or makes sure I have the most comfortable seat at dinner, or asks questions that let me know he's really been paying attention—it actually means a lot to me. 

PLUS, when we treat this behavior with gratitude, we invite more of it into our life. It's how the world works. It's a less entitled way of approaching dating, and I'm here for it (now).

xoxo

Rebecca